"Strictly Germ-Proof"

Posted on Sat Jan 17th, 2026 @ 9:11pm by Chief Warrant Officer Karzen Son of Arjune, Son of Ragan MD, MPH & Warrant Officer Loren Baro

1,451 words; about a 7 minute read

Mission: A New Dawn
Location: Infirmary
Timeline: Current

Karzen was in his office reading a medical journal article about early onset telepathic and empathic abilities in Betazoids. He was familiar with the physicians who'd produced the article and had corresponded with them in the past and consulted with them about patients. He would be unable to do so in this case, but no matter. The old Klingon physician was resourceful enough to make do with the journal article. For now, anyway. He was deep into his work when his sensitive Vulcanoid nose and ears smelled and heard someone in the corridor outside of the infirmary. He sighed. "I will do no harm or injustice to them..." he muttered, taking comfort and instruction from his oath.

"Enter!" he called out in a growl. "So says Karzen, Son of Arjune of Romulus and Ragan of Qo'noS! Healer of wounds small, large, and gaping! Treater of injuries of all manner! Curer of some, but by no means all diseases, because there are a damned lot of diseases and I can't be expected to do everything myself and somethings the body just has to work out on its own, in its own time!"

Loren walked in with smile, suppressed laughter in her voice, "This humble seeker of band aids is grateful for the permission oh Mighty Healer. The Great and the Good have decreed I am to be poked and prodded to make sure I'm not hiding any weird diseases."

"Hmmm...," Karzen said. "That reminds me of a poem the person who taught me Federation Standard had me memorize as a child: Strictly Germ-Proof by Arthur Guiterman. Have you ever heard of it? No?"

Struck by the Muse, Karzen recited the poem:

"The Antiseptic Baby and the Prophylactic Pup
Were playing in the garden when the Bunny gamboled up;
They looked upon the Creature with a loathing undisguised;
It wasn't Disinfected and it wasn't Sterilized.

They said it was a Microbe and a Hotbed of Disease;
They steamed it in a vapor of a thousand-odd degrees;
They froze it in a freezer that was cold as Banished Hope
And washed it in permanganate with carbolated soap.

In sulphureted hydrogen they steeped its wiggly ears;
They trimmed its frisky whiskers with a pair of hard-boiled shears;
They donned their rubber mittens and they took it by the hand
And 'lected it a member of the Fumigated Band.

There's not a Micrococcus in the garden where they play;
They bathe in pure iodoform a dozen times a day;
And each imbibes his rations from a Hygienic Cup,
The Bunny and the Baby and the Prophylactic Pup."

When he was done, Karzen mock glowered at Loren. He had to keep up his reputation as a grouch. "What is your name, humble seeker?" he said, dramatically. "Be not afraid. I promise not to steam you in a vapor of a thousand-odd degrees, freeze in a freezer as cold as Banished Hope, or wash you in permanganate with carbolated soap."

Loren couldn't banish a smile at his antics as she replied, "Baro Loren" She replied her first name last per Bajoran tradition. "It's my job to be shot at first so I guess they want to make sure I can take a few shots." She quipped, "Something about needing a baseline."

"Hmmm..." Karzen said. "Yes. The Maquis, understandably, had very poor medical recordkeeping habits. So I have to start from scratch. If you would please lay down on this biobed here, we will get started, Miss Baro."

"Will do Doctor." She headed over and laid, figuring best to get it over and done. It had been a long time since she was in a med back not being halled in for some battle injury or another. Or as her friends liked to call it, "In med bay again because you're bad at dodging?"

When Loren was on the biobed, Karzen started his scans. "Hmmm.... " Karzen said, making a thoughtful noise about the old wounds that were showing up on the biobed sensors. "You're supposed to get shot at, not get shot. Do better." Karzen activated the note taking function on the bed's console and linked it to his PaDD. "Now," he said. "Have you you ever contracted any diseases, acute, chronic, or genetic? Have you ever contracted a social disease? Some of those are sneaky and persistent and like to creep around in your system and appear when you finally get naked with someone you think is the person you'll spend the rest of your life with. Not that I speak from experience. Have you ever been pregnant? Keep in mind, I'm your doctor. Anything you say to me, stays with me, unless I need to share it with another physician as part of your care or if your issue presents a serious danger to yourself or the crew."

It took her a moment to run through the list of informational requests and order her thoughts., "Usual illnesses as a kid, colds, flu, complications from not getting the right food. All corrected later. My Uncle Tordo family's got Orkett's Disease, it was a close thing but we were able to get most of them able to get bone marrow transplants in time. She paused for a moment before pushing past the memory, the entire remaining family hand banded together. "I donated but doesn't seem to have any long term effects." It was a viral sickness which swept through the Bajoran work camps during the Cardassian occupation, killing thousands of children who seemed suspectible. She changed direction with the experience of long use, "And not that I'm aware of in regards to the social diseases. However if I do, if can give me leave I got a few people to smack down. And no never pregnant." She said a part of her curious about the history of this odd doctor, maybe she'd ask later sometime.

Karzen nodded. "I'm sorry for family's experience with Orkett's Disease, and no child should ever be without enough food. So, you grew up on Bajor then, during the Occupation, rather than a refugee camp offworld?"

Feeling at somewhat of a disadvantage to this conversation she sat up on the bio bed. "My parents are stubborn and weren't about to let anyone boot them out of their home. We lived off the grid and got what we could via black market so..." She shrugged, "Things like food etc weren't always easiest to come by." She smiled a little, "Dad especially was genius at what he called 'creative finding', especially since he could usually make it look like some other Cardies fault or just bad luck. Cut down on reprisals." Her tone was a little amused sharing a matter of fact tale of her childhood.

Karzen smiled. It wasn't an enormous smile, but a smile nonetheless. "Your father sounds like he's a very creative man, and one who loved you and the rest of your family very, very much," he said. "You can sit all the way up if you'd like. I have all of the scans I need." As Karzen helped Loren off of the bed, he added: "You grew up in a very rough society and the situation in the DMZ didn't make things better. I want you to know that if you ever need someone to listen, maybe help you to process anything past or present, that's part of my job as well. I'm responsible for both your physical and mental health. Now, do you have any questions for me?"

Loren smiled more more relaxed now. She hopped off the bio bed. Something in his manner, genuinely concerned and somewhat odd, reminded her of her Mother Father. "It is what it was." she quipped but her "Thank you, perhaps one day." was warm and sincere. "Questions, only one at the moment, how do you feel about Alcohol made by engineers on a still? Traded stores about pasts are best with your lungs on fire."

"I've never served on a ship before," Karzen said. "So I've never had, what do Humans call it? Oh yes, Engine Room Hoochie... wait, that's sex in the engine room... Ah, yes. Engine Room Hooch. I've never had either, but I wouldn't mind the latter... I'm a little old for the former." The old Klingon grinned. "But I won't promise not to pass my tricorder over it before I drink it. But, if it doesn't look like it's going to kill me, I'll give it a try."

Loren couldn't help it she laughed, a quick but genuine sound of amusement. "Doc, you are something." And she sounded pleased by that. "I'll pass the word on the next Still Inspection. I think you will fit in just fine around here."

 

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